Of All the Mammals I Hang Out With
by tayrulez
Summary: A selection of one-shots ranging from smut, angst, family, and possibly more. human!Perry; canon; HS AU all PERRYSHMIRTZ Perry the Platypus x Dr. Doofenshmirtz. Rated M for language and erotic/sex scene(s)


**Okay. So, I started on this Facebook challenge, and I'm showcasing Perryshmirtz. Some will be canon-relative, and there's a lot of human!Perry thrown in here. This chapter is for the word 'accuracy'. Someone is not** _ **accurately**_ **who they said they are. This is a High School AU. Um, and Dan Povenmire and Jeff "Swampy" Marsh own all the characters. Cool.**

The teal-haired teenager shuffles as his ears prick at the sound of water rushing in the next room. He sleepily smiles a little and perks his head up from the cascading blankets. He hears an unmistakable tone humming one of Love Handel's greatest hits as the water continues. The teenager swings his feet to the side of the bed and rummages on the floor for his bright orange boxers. With no luck, he carries the thinnest layer across the messy floor. There are wrappers, takeout boxes and various articles of clothing. He finds his boxers slipping off the edge of the dresser by the bathroom door.

As he slides them on, the water shuts off, and the teenager can smell a delicious aroma wafting from the kitchen area. He wanders o the breakfast bar in time to find a plate of French toast. The teenager sighs, settling his mouth around the tasty treat. This action earns a deep chuckle behind him. The teal-haired boy grins and leans back to his taller companion's chest. The taller of the two is wearing a purple bathrobe haphazardly tied in front and panda slippers. He gently kisses the teen's forehead and then moves to take a seat across from him. He grabs a piece of toast.

"Graduation's coming soon."

The younger blushes. "Then I can move in? Officially?"

"I like to think we're past official. Now, C'mon, Perry. I think the other teachers would frown upon you arriving at school in only your boxers."

Three hours later, Perry is clad in a black school spirit tee and jeans. He pulls up on his speedy moped and locks it up with the motorcycles. He scans the parking lot for a particular purple sedan and smiles inwardly when he locates it. He wanders through the halls, noticing his sophomore brother Phineas fixing the scoreboard for the football team in the cafeteria. Perry notices his classmate Pinky arguing with his sister Isabella by the lockers. Quietly, he slips past the teacher's lounge and happens upon the chemistry classroom.

"Hi, Dr. Doof."

Heinz smiles at the arrival and leans somewhat seductively against his desk. "Hello, Mr. Flynn-Fletcher."

"Two more weeks till graduation." He blushes and swallows a lump in his throat.

Heinz nods in confirmation. "Do you have any plans?"

"Moving… starting another life."

Dr. Doof moves a little closer and places his hand over Perry's. "Sounds like a worthwhile plan."

School starts soon, and Perry must move on to his calculus class. Perry sees Dr. Doof at the beginning and ending of every day. At two-twenty in the afternoon with only two days of school left, Perry sits up front in the chemistry class. Dr. Doof is instructing the class through an easy experiment. He has the students form partnerships and create elephant paste. Perry has moved to the back to collect the equipment necessary while his partner Peter sets up the table. Suddenly, the door opens with a deafening boom. The principal barges in with the two student resource officers at his posts.

"Dr. Doof, please stop the experiment at once."

"What seems to be the problem?"

"You are."

Perry's eyes widen as he racks his brain. He's sure he's left no clues to their secret relationship for anyone to find. He scans the room, but no one seems to know what is happening. He sees Peter and Baljeet looking over to him, but it isn't accusatory. If anything, it resembles concern for their favorite teacher. Perry holds words of consent on the tip of his tongue when the principal cuts him off.

"It seems the higher ups have been searching for you, Heinz. And it seems you've been lying to us."

"What is it you're implying, Monobrow?" He demands, hands on his hips.

Principal Monogram clears his throat. "Heinz, before you came to America, was your name Doofenshmirtz?"

"Yeah, I shortened it."

"And you shortened your rap sheet as well. Your hidden records state that you're a wanted criminal in France, Japan and Germany."

"Those charges were expunged," Heinz growls, forgetting about the other students for a moment.

"Not anymore, doctor. Now, I don't want to have you arrested, but your car has been impounded, and we're going to need you to wait for the police officials out back to plead your case."

"Yeah, yeah." Heinz grabs his bag and calls up one of the students. "Mr. Rai, come up here and finish explaining the experiment."

Baljeet dutifully grabs his notebook and heads up to the table. Peter glances around for his lab partner, only to find Perry missing. Outside in the parking lot, Perry has started Doof's car and has brought it to the back of the building. The SROs are walking Heinz down the back halls, and Perry pulls out his phone.

 **To Peter**

 **From Perry**

 **I need you to start a fight**

 **To Perry**

 **From Peter**

 **WTH are you talking about?**

 **To Peter**

 **From Perry**

 **911! I need a distraction!**

Perry mentally facepalms when he sees Heinz being brought out of the building. Suddenly, their walkies screech, alerting them to a chaos call. Perry grins as his phone vibrates.

 **To Perry**

 **From Peter**

 **You so owe me**

Perry pulls the can up to the door and throws open the passenger door. Heinz looks in to find the devious teenager. He seems to have second thoughts, but Perry conveys the most important declaration with only his eyes. Heinz smiles and slides into the car.

"We can't run forever, Perry." Heinz finally speaks as they enter a quiet suburb.

"I know. The boys built a spy car. It hovers on water. We can take it somewhere where they can't reach us. We'll be together."

"What about your family?" He frowns.

"You worked out a way so you still see Vanessa. We kept our relationship a secret. Don't worry. We'll figure something out."

Perry parks the car and motions for Heinz to step out as well. The teacher is confused.

"Where are we? Django Brown's old house. Phineas was friends with him when they were in grade school. It's been a while, so there shouldn't be any connections between us and him. We can get to the car easier if we take the sewer." He stops to regard Heinz's skeptical glance. "Trust me."

Heinz sighs and takes Perry's hand. They venture into the sewer, with the teacher following he teenager's every move. They arrive to a lair, where Perry types in '75289787'.

"What's that code?"

"It's 'platypus' spelled on a phone's keyboard." Perry explains quietly.

They reach a sleek black car, and Perry activates a lift to carry the car to the backyard surface. A fence to the side falls, and Perry strategically maneuvers onto the road. The two start the drive of their lives.

 **I know that was a lame way to end, but I wanted to finish it. There you go. Hope you enjoy!**


End file.
